Last night a Durex saved my Life
Ok so we all keep a jimmy in our handbag, wallet, dashboard compartment, back pocket or in our hands spring loaded for action. Unfortunately these foil wrapped fun buddies get discovered by parents, relatives, employees and employers. In these situations you are left looking up to the sky trying to avoid the stares of judgmental eyes hoping that a quick scoff would quickly kill the situation. Desperately pressing the virtual red button in your mind that opens a portal to another world for a brief moment.
We at Malta Warehouse know this unfortunate situation and have sought to remedy it on two counts, firstly by pointing out to everyone reading that this situation might also one day happen to you, so let's all play it cool. Apart from that we will be pointing out all the reasons why a Durex Condom could come in handy and use it to deflect in any potentially embarrassing situation amongst your friends or family in Malta.
No shit, this is actually a thing. Very easy to use as an excuse with a colleague in the office. Handbag fally on the floor and boom the silver jimmy wrapper is in plain sight. Take the high ground and before your colleagues have a chance to max an inappropriate sexual remark just shout. "Nose Flossing!" Yeah, haven't you ever heard of it? I've been so congested recently I bought some condoms to do some nose flossing!
This is a good one. Very easily used and understood especially after doing a quick demonstration. To pull this off properly, once the condom is discovered just shrug it off and cool as a cucumber just reply, "That's my TRD ma!" Your mum will look confused and as you are explaining the acronym - Toilet Retrieval Device, Rip off the Condom Foil roll the condom "as you would" over your whole hand and make a scooping gesture with your hand. You can then ramble on about a real situation that happened to you in the Toilets of Paceville where you dropped your Mobile / lipstick / nailpolish / lighter / nuclear bomb / car keys / ID card into the dirty ass toilets of Burger King or Havana and needed to retrieve them in order to get home safely.
We at Malta Warehouse can assure you that your brilliant idea will be the talk of all the mothers in the next scheduled Coffee Morning!
#CONDOMSOCKS , need we say more!? Soooooooo many situations where condom socks may come in hands. Caution, for this one, you need a pair of condoms otherwise you'd have to hop your way out of that situation anyway...
So you think you are about to get lucky and you show your partner that you are packing. Whipping out not 1 but 2 condoms! Met with blank stares, it's time for a good excuse as the person opposite you is definitely not on the same wavelength as you (or not drunk enough yet). Time for the Durex to save your life!
"These are what I use at the Gym!" I hate showering in the gym barefoot, and sometimes I forget my flip-flops. I hate leaving the gym without having a shower cause of all the sweat so I always have my rubbers to back me up! Then it's Malta Warehouse demonstration time. Sit down, whip off your shoes and put one of the condoms roll it out "as you would" and demonstrate with one foot.
DO NOT OPEN THE OTHER - you may still get lucky , Mexican Monkey!
4. Waterproofing Jimmy
If you like Pina Colada, I can show you the way! - Been by the beach or somewhere like a water park? Monsoon season can bring with it some heavy rainfall. Ok so the Iphone 8 should become completely waterproof but until then, you've got a pretty reasonable excuse for having a jimmy close by. Don't forget if you get lucky in winter you might need two and sometimes you can't give a shit about your mobile phone when you'd rather keep warm with someone. ;) Without a doubt , a great way to explain why you've got a condom in your pocket this winter in Malta. It's important to change up your excuses, keep that in mind!
We all have that friend who goes out fishing all night to return with tales of caught fish.
"Where's the fish Tommy?" , "I swear I caught one, but I didn't have a container to put him in!"
Don't be like Tom, if you go out fishing take a condom with you. It might come in handy! ;) Moral of this story, if a condom were to make an inappropriate appearance during some board meeting or business lunch, just say "Gone Fishing". The statement will throw a few people off, amuse some and might get the interest of some of those you've been eye flirting with for months.
[Eye flirting - when you stare at the opposite sex for too long hoping they get the message. Unwilling to take it any steps further as you are totally unaware of their personal marital status]
Ever wanted to scare the living bejesus out of your smoker buddies at the office? Just to make it clear, we do not suggest anyone should do these kind of tricks as they could be very dangerous if not careful. But basically all you need to do is get a Durex condom (trust us, durex are the best) and a cigarette lighter. Fill the Condom with some lighter gas and tie it to a rock, or wedge it somewhere secure. Take some tape and stick a cigarette to the condom. Make sure that the cigarette is stuck as far away from the condom as possible. Carefully light the cigarette, as the smoke goes down it will find a point of contact with the jimmy and BOOM! Colleagues with Brown patches on their back sides, GUARANTEED!
So it's not exactly the ALS Ice bucket challenge, that one went towards a good cause that actually made tons of headway thanks to all the donations made by people around the world. The #CONDOMFACE will do nothing like that except act the Fool! We all want to act the fool sometimes and this is a perfect way to do that. If questioned about why you've got a condom on you? Simple, "I was just about to ask you...." (and if the prospective sexual partner is already looking away) "..... if you want to do the #condomface challenge with me". #SAVED!
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